Chapter 10 **

I opened the french doors to my room quietly, not a peep could be heard. I was sure not to wake Emilee, who was laying on my chaise in the corner, as she slept. Still in that magnificent dream land of hers. I was jealous, that's for sure. I set my guitar down on it's shiny black patent stand. And while I strolled away, I looked over at it's woody wonder's. I was torn up inside, realizing that I had barely played more than a few cords. What was supposed to relax me ended up waking me up more and nearly plummeting me into cardiac arrest. But, then the flash of Ryland's strong jaw line smirking down at me while he told me of his past was the sweet candy coating of the bittersweetness I felt inside. That past moment with him was magical. I can't get over it. I never will. Forgetting is not an option. I really just understood how much I care for him, even though we may not have the deep connection, I longed for, I wanted to see him again. I wanted to share the happiness with him. All the joy, sadness, anger, smiles of my life, I wanted to share it all with him. A little deep, but this was our moment. Our time to reminisce together. It was simply perfect. Us, together, even at the park at 3 a.m. It was us. We were unconventional. Sort of like our lives. The thought of that, made me smile in my dark room.

I slipped off my sheep skin boots, and sat down on my bed. I looked down at the floor and noticed my i-pod's headphones sticking out from the under world beneath my bed. I grabbed the white i-pod and looked at what was on the screen. A song my brother Stephan had recorded. On his own violin. I remembered back to that day when the entire family drove up to Manhattan to get his own writings recorded. My mom had dressed us all to the nines. I was five, a young kindergardener who got to miss school for the big family outing. Of course, my dad was at his office. Doing business with whom ever it is that takes priority over us. But, the happiness that spread over my then eighteen year old brother, Stephan, as he stepped into the recording studio was amazing. Even to a five year old, it was evident how amazing and truly rare this experiance was. He recorded three songs, all composed by himself. The feeling of a new plastic CD in my small hands, fresh from the recording studio. All seven of my siblings were there for that. Albie met us, straight from the dorm at Harvard. Kierstyn took a cab to be there. That was a big step up for her, at the time. Luckily, she was able to pencil us in and squeeze us between shows. Everyone else was still living at home, so we were all in the family limo that daddy had rented for the day. His one act of kindness. The day was magical. An overcast over the city, but we were all smiling. As we sat down to a fancy lunch, the portions that were teeny. We had to stop at Mcdonald's on the way home to fill all of our stomachs after. We laughed the entire way home, a family. Minus a father.

When we arrived home, the bills from Daddy's last business trip were on the counter. A trip to Miami, that was not announced well in advanced. A high end hotel. Pictures of him with other women. All obviously not for little eyes, I was whisked to my play room, but I watched my mother as she opened the bills. Receipts for jewelry she hadn't received, flowers that weren't given to her, champagne for two that she didn't share with him. All the evidence was there. That was my dad's beginning to a long chain of mistresses. My mom's drinking began that night, I think it was three bottles of wine. That continued on to be a Saturday night ritual for her. Of course, she didn't say anything to Daddy. Being in a miserable marriage, for her, is better than not being in one at all. Not the picture perfect family behind the marble doors, huh?

I snapped out of my flash back, and into the abysmal reality of my room. Dark, quiet, lonely. I wanted to just be with my siblings in that moment. We rarely all were together, nor got along, but at that moment, it felt like I needed family. I stood up, again quietly and swift, walked to my closet and twisted the knob shut, careful to keep Em asleep. I slipped on some new pajamas. And continued to crawl into my bed. The soft sheets now seemed inviting. Maybe I could reach the goal I had been aiming for, sleep. I closet my eyes. Thought of my family, Emilee, mostly Ryland though. My day dream, or should I say 4 a.m. dream, had interupted the high I felt from being with him. Fate had created that moment. And, I hoped to continue it in my sleep.

Around six in the morning, I heard a crash come from the kitchen. A whopping two hours of sleep, lucky me. I got up ever so quietly, yet again, and crept to my glass door. I twisted the one of a kind crystal knob gently, so no creak would dare make it's sound. Emilee was sleeping, just what I had hoped. Yoga wasn't till nine, and I wanted a few moments to myself. I took the back stair case down. I was faced by our formal living room. The extra high walls were lined with photographs of our childhoods. Naomi's missing teeth. Josh's first cook book. Bella's first dance shows, followed by the ones on Brodway. Logan's debate team, and his Realtor firm. Kierstyn's glamor shots. Albie's acceptance to Harvard. Stephan's first CD we made that one afternoon. My own macaroni art, a preschool creation. Surprised my mom saved that one, it didn't quite match up to the others, but it felt nice any way. You know to be remembered? I saw pictures from the early seven children at the lake, and all eight of us in Aspen two winters ago, summers on the island. My families past all up on a wall. I heard a slam and turned to see the kitchen light on. Who was there, at nearly six a.m.? I entered our show room of a kitchen to see my mother. In heels, a short dress, hair messy, makeup smeared. An all-nighter, that was a new one.

"Hi, mom." I said. Reaching for the cereal out of the pantry. She picked her head up out of her hands. Looked over to me. Studied me, and said ""Hi, Ellie cakes," She hadn't called me that since I was little. It felt good. "I couldn't begin to tell you what went down last night. But, I got you something." She continued and pointed to her designer hand bag which was artfully thrown down to the floor. ""You did?" I was suprised. "In there?" I was anxious now. That was the nicest thing she's done in a long time. Along with her writing her name on the card that came with my car on my sixteenth birthday. I opened the heavy black bag and searched around. ""It's the Tiffany's box. The blue El. It's for you. I noticed you were down since your accident," I thought back to that day two weeks ago. I touced the now fading stiches on my eye and arm. "And when I was partying last night with Mary," My aunt. "I got you it." She finished. Her words were in a slur, she was obviously groggy from a long night. Her drinking didn't bother me in that moment. Nor was her selfish and arrogant attitude. All had melted in one conversation. I pulled out the blue bag with a gold chain paired with two golden rings on the chain. Intertwined. It was actually beautiful. Good for a drunk night out. ""Thanks mom, it's really really nice. I like it a lot. It's really symbolic. Of everything. So, it's great. Thanks." I said sliding the gold chain back into the blue bag. My mom was crying now. Why? I walked over to her and put an arm on her back. "Ma, what's wrong? Didn't you hear me? I love it!" She was shaking. What could be wrong? ""I want my husband back. How can't he love me for me. Look at me Ellie doll, I'm hot." I smiled down at her. "'You are mom. I agree." I hugged her. Remebering when I would do this as a child. "Mom, why don't you leave him? You deserve better. You don't need him. I want the best for you, and why does he do this?" All of a sudden, the hatred I had built up for her, vanished. She was still a tad selfish and rude, of course. But above all, she's my mom. I felt bad. ""I just can't Elaina. I need him, and I love him." I stood there and shook my head. ""Well, if you need me to help, I'll put you up on millionaires dating sites." I said jokingly. She smiled. The oh so familiar, once youthful and georgeous smile. ""I better go change. I saw Emilee's car out front. I don't know if this is a good motherly hostess look." She said refering to her stripperish heels and skanky dress. ""Yeah, mom. I love you and you need to make yourself happy. If changing our life will do it, then I support you." I took a plunge of faith. Hoping that was okay with her. The click of her heels made a song on the floor. As she reached the main stairs, she took a hold of the banister, it was clear she was still unsteady, one too many shots, and said back genuinely "I love you too, but I don't know if I can ever find the strength to break free. I need that life for you. It wouldn't be fair." She replied with tears in her eyes. I felt like I had broke that fence. I actually understood her. For the first time.

Let me know how you feel... Too much? Hope that you all still got that this was still her and Ryland's moment. But, a twist to it too. I've got more coming. But, let me know still how you feel. I'm sorry if it ruined her and Ry's moment...